- Sooo Today
- October 5th, 2009
I feel guilty, I didn't post at all yesterday I don't think. It may be silly of me, but I just feel like I should write every day seeing as it is a journal. I always have at least something random to write even if it may not be the most impressive or important of things. The weekend, mostly Sunday was pretty boring all told.
I did little. However things are going on I haven't really mentioned...that well. It's personal, but I would like for a few people at least to be able to read this, people I'm starting to trust. So that will be just about three of you on here. Well...To my pen-pals I know I haven't mentioned it. I have trouble bringing up issues like this though I may have mentioned it.
My sister...she's showing her suicidal tendencies again, which is ridiculous. I look at her and look at how much easier her life has been and get angry. Then realize...I knew my mother for much longer than she did. She lost her mother at age 14...that's hard. She'd been dealing with her mother dying since she was 9. How does that effect you? Very badly...she's soo smart. It's getting harder and harder to help her, she outclasses me in intelligence. Artistic ability, everything. She outstrips me entirely except perhaps I see things better. I've always been good at just understanding things, At understanding people and the nature of situations. It's one of the few talents I'm not reluctant to admit I have.
She is so bright, and I'm scared that she will blink out. That she will burn brightly but only for a moment. My father is drinking again, he's slow and he hides it well, he's smoking again as well. He hides it well, he is after all my father. Discipline is the family religion, Self Control the only philosophy. From the control of the self comes control of the world and that is always a desirable outcome. That is something that I wonder about and doubt myself. I find myself straying and changing quite a bit.
I doubt my own self. Last night I got no sleep, I said it was just cause I couldn't sleep. That was most of the reason, I couldn't sleep...I also happened to be on the phone with Savvvage. She was asleep, but well...she's going through some rough times. She has nightmares like I do, really bad. Extremely bad actually and her family is not supportive. She has no friends who understand them. So sometimes I find myself going without sleep just to be on the phone with her, calming her as her nightmares come.
This may seem intimate, but it really isn't...all it is, well...me being there for a friend. I would do it for any of my friends in a heartbeat and I have. One of the hardest experiences I've ever gone through is dealing with a friend on an Ecstasy trip, when they were at a friend's house alone. She couldn't tell me where she was so I couldn't get there. I had to talk her down and keep her in a room....she forgot who I was and thought I was someone else. During that time she confessed she was in love with me. That was remarkably awkward. It was also insanely hard.
I'm ranting a bit, and I feel bad for not sharing this with my pen-pals. To my two pen-pals...I'm sorry I haven't really said this. I've opened up a lot to you, I wanted to tell you this just...writing it in a letter to tell you directly was extremely hard. Ohh...and by the way both of you will soon have your own nicknames added to my list. I'm thinking on them now.
Writing this has been therapeutic though. And I also feel guilty for not saying this, when so much has been opened to me. I will talk more on this to each of you in my next letter. I want to well..i want to open up and share. I'm not any good at it, I'm great at being there for others...not so good at letting myself be...been there for. Wow...that's horrible English. Miss Lightning bolt...shut up. Allready know you'll criticize it.
So far my day is going bleh...Ethics was cool, talked about competition and Gilligan's In a Different Voice. Talked about organized play and found that very entertaining and somewhat enlightening. I apparently have an incredibly masculine point of view, but tend to approach it through feminine terms. Something I Actually agree to somewhat. Though it's a bit complicated I still do.
Anyways, I've really skirted around the edges of this here, the issues. That's because I want to talk about things more in "person" in my letters and correspondences. I want that to be the main method of me venting myself. Hmmm
Got a lot of ideas for stories. You should suggest your own nickname as well! That would be pretty amazing.